Progression

M(Mark) and I continued to stay in touch and we would end up meeting up once a week. Once a week only because he got a job and became really busy. After I had it for the first time, my body wanted it more. Honestly I would nag him for sex, asking him when we would be able to meet up again. Especially having sex on my period. It was an amazing experience. All you really need is a towel to keep things under control. Anyways he didn't mind the attention. He was excited by the fact that I was so open in asking him for sex. I realized that I have always been very sensual and open to sexual desires. I started young so I knew how to satisfied myself and what would satisfied by body.

In between our meetings I started to hook up, as in doing everything but sex, with another boy. We will call him B(Bob). He is a white boy who at the time is 25. A few years older than Mark. Mark was in his early twenties. Bob really came out of no where and hooking up with him was unexpected but expected. Expected in that when I walked into his house I knew something was going to happen. It was very awkward but once it came down to it, it was more like human nature. When your attracted to someone things happen easier and to continue is easy.

After we hooked up he would avoid me like the plague. There was no reaching out trying to be friends. Even though I have talked to him about being friends and how we should stay in touch. Agreeing to something verbally is very different from agreeing to something and actually physically doing it. I knew I was not getting attached to Bob because Mark was the one that I felt strongly for. But then again Bob did have a place in my heart. The way he talked about himself made me in a sense sympathize with him. He told me how he used Craigslist for hook up and I was surprised for a few things. One being he was attractive and two I was surprised he had such a low self-esteem. I thought that he was able to get the ladies without much difficulty and then from his appearance I thought he felt good about himself. Not everything is as it seems I suppose.

B and I messed around a few times and he was the one that introduced me to something that I believe everyone should try and I stand behind this 100%. What I'm talking about is getting it from the back. No I'm not talking about Doggy style but rather up the butt. Now I'm not saying go all out and let him stick his penis right up in there. But I'm talking about baby steps! Start off small. For my it came to me as a surprise. We were making out and next thing I knew his finger was up my butt. I told him to stop but he told me to relax. In which I did and the feeling that I got from him doing that was amazing. There was just so much pleasure because that area is very sensitive.

Bob and I hooked up a few more times and once we did it in an office. Well it was more like a cubical. Looking back on this I must have been out of my mind because if I was to get caught I would have been kicked out and he probably would have been too. It was indeed very risky. Currently being in Europe me and B have actually talked. I wonder if hes changed much, you know become more confidant. I guess I will find out when I return. But shortly after I return he will be leaving and going back home.

Moving on to the next guy I had relations with. Me and Adam had sex twice. He fit the Asian stereotype but he was a very nice guy. He was very chill but having sex with him was just not satisfying at all. And every time he would text me I knew it was for sex and because of that I turned him down. I don't know if he got the point but he is very talented when it comes to being creative and photography. He also knew how to drive stick shift and I realized that I met him before when I was in high school at a track meet and I said to myself and my friends: "Oh, he is cute..." Funny how things change and I slept with him and actually got to know him in a sense.

Joel he was interesting. I mean they all are and maybe my diction is just limited. He was a tall built black male. Through time I realized I tend to be usually attracted to males who have a athletic physic. I mean who doesnt like a little abs or nice arms or the "V." If you don't know what the "V" is then let me take some time to explain. The "V" is the usually seen when a male's abdominal region tight and muscular and the "V" forms around their lower abs around the lower waist. You will know the "V" when you see it and it is delicious. Anyways Joel was tall and built and had a low voice. When we had sex he was not afraid to compliment me. It's nice and definitely a huge self-esteem boost when the guy who is pleasing also tells you how sexy you are, how hot you are and how beautiful you are. He was very let me please you which I did not mind. But I never truly felt comfortable with him. Especially after one incidence when the condom popped and I thought I was pregnant. When I told him he basically told me deuces your by yourself. So I got a test and it was negative. After that we obviously stop having sex. I come to realize that with him sex was a learning experience for the both of us. On the same note he didn't want to be my friend either. I hate losing friends. As I'm writing this I'm wondering how hes doing and if I'll see him when I get back. Hmm...maybe not. Moving on...

At this point after the whole pregnancy scare I had to do some soul searching and truly figure out what I wanted in life. I knew I like sex but I didnt like feeling I was being used for sex. So after confessing to some close friends and hearing what they have to say and listening to their advice I realized that I was going to stop having sex. It was going to be hard and a slow transition. Through what I was doing I had a checklist of the different races of males I would sleep with. I have every race except White and Brown/Indian and this remains true today. The reason why I saw its a slow transition because my mind was half on board while my body, well my pussy, was not on board at all. The progress to change did not happen until I met H.

But before we get to that story with Harry. There was Lewis.

Red

Days passed by and the weather was getting hotter. Mark and I would be in touch through texting and Facebook. We continued to express our sexual, physical attraction for one another and there were times when we would graze upon intellectual topics. Thinking back on that I really liked how intimate we were but I was slowly getting attached and I knew that it would hurt me in the end. If I took what we were doing as more then what it was, just physical attraction. But I pushed those thoughts aside and I tried to live in the moment. Because it was easier that way and way more fun. He told me "We could just have fun." That sentence could be taken in so many different ways.

Nevertheless, we arranged another time and date in which we could meet. However, leading up to the next "appointment" we started to talk about sex and from the get go he knew that I was a virgin. Boys are generally simple and do not plan ahead. So I cant say it was his plan all along to take my virginity but rather he just wanted to have fun.

I thought long and hard, for a week, about the idea of losing my virginity to him. I concluded that my virginity was something that I really didnt think was important or something that, if lost, was not that serious of a matter.

So the day came and I was nervous inside. He just made me nervous. He was always so relaxed and collected. When I entered his room he motioned for me to come over to this bed. His soft comfy futon bed low to the ground. Like a shy little girl I slowly moved my way over to him and sat down beside him. Mark did not waste anytime for next thing I knew we were kissing me. He never kissed with this tongue. I didnt know if it was because he had a tongue ring or because he didnt like too and I never remembered to ask. Those kisses were like little burst of pleasure and passion. He smoked so he had a smoker's breath, which I got used too and it never really bothered me. No, it was not like kissing an ashtray. Kissing led to touching and touching led to clothing being removed.

Then he went down and started doing what I loved. He knew my body well already and I was surprised when he told me what I liked what my body did when he did something I liked. He also told me what he had to do to eat me out right. It might seem as if I am putting him on a pedestal. And maybe I was doing in fact just that but at the same time this was a new feeling and since then emotion has not reoccurred.

Anyways moving away from the sentimental moments I remember him getting off of me and rummaging through his draws to draw out a condom. The box said for his and her pleasure and I couldnt help but feel touched. So he looked at me with glassy/dreamy eyes the type of look when you let pleasure takes over and he proceed to slip on the condom.

Then he lays down and tell me to get on top because it would be easier. So I oblige and I guide him into me.

It hurt like a bitch...and as I am recalling this and documenting that moment I cant help but laugh. How I complained and said I couldnt continue sorta in a Luan type voice.

Eventually I got the hang of things and realized what I have been missing. He isnt sweet, he keeps it real and tells me of course its going to hurt. Hes not serious either. Its hard to describe him. But I know that he doesnt upset me and at that moment I'm having fun.

Later when its all over he tells me how I made a mess and got my blood all over his thigh. This makes me laugh. He always knew how to easy the tension. I guess thats what happens when he acts likes a clown and calls you Sallerina.

He invites me to go to the store with this friend whom all this time was downstairs. I decline and I tell him I'm going to rest and take a nap.He leaves for a while and with the time I have I lay there and I start to think and recap everything that happened, how I felt. I'm overwhelmed and I had to tell someone. So I call my friend a kid that I used to have a thing with. I guess I call him because I told him earlier about my plans. Also possibly to make him jealous and make him feel like he lost something. Or to make myself feel better. To boost my own self esteem. There were many different reasons as to why I chose to call him.

Mark comes back a few hours later or so it seemed. Time was moving slow that day. Maybe it was because of the heat or because of my nerves. I hear him enter and I pretend I am asleep. I dont know if he knows that I am but he comes and spoons me and its nice and relaxing and I feel complete and satisfied and whole. I know that its temporary. We lay like that for a little bit and eventually he has to leave and I remember him telling me this earlier. But I could not help but feel a little abandon. He suggest that we do this again and I agree.

It ends with me leaving after having some tea. As I am about to leave his house trying hard to put on a cold demeanor, one of nonchalance. He says "give me a kiss" and sees me out the door.

Then I think to myself why did he have to do that. So I guess one can say I was under his influence. But not completely.

As I am driving home and wondering how the hell am I going to tell my best friends this. The events of the day continue to play in my head. Over and over.

In the future we would become friends with benefits. Well sorta.